Fat boy says hes gonna put crack inside Fun Size Snickers. I guess he went ahead and lost his dang mind. News flash, Robbie, crack is rocks, and you cant squoosh rocks inside Fun Size Snickers without ruining the Fun Size shape. Thats some idiotical sharkweek right there so I go
The mightyduck is he grumping for? The chunky butts seen me hit a whole thing a Reddi Whip till I got crunk. Saw me get torched on a big bowl a dank too. Dang, I puked a whole bottle a stank ass apricot schnapps while he just sat there and laughed his fat ass off. I dont say none a that out loud though cuz what if Robbie thinks all that stuff is poopypants baby stuff? One thing I dont need is more teasing from Robbie cuz when he teases he does it real hurtful.
So I switch up my play and go
Walgreen can suck my left ball. Target is my preferential shopping experience by far. But the truth is, Walgreen is the only place even close to Robbies crib that sells stuff. I get dogging Robbie hard about how I dont want to go down there cuz its cold and mean old Dick Trickle works there but Robbie straight up ignores my ass. What he starts doing is chinups on this stupid chinup bar he wedged in the doorway. Guess where the mightyducker bought that cheap piece a junk? Walgreen!
Anyway it looks funny cuz Robbies this big fat dude that cant do two chins without a heart attack. Hes got all this pussy ass black hair down his neck plus pimples all across his flab cheeks and the saddest little mustache you ever saw. When fat boy pounds out his chins, all two a them, you can peep his whole big white blubber belly. I get a laugh out of that cuz my own abs are tight, even if Im mad short. Dag always looks away like looking aint polite. Dag is wrong about that though cuz that mightyducking sharkweek is hilarious as sharkweek!
In case youre wondering why I cuss so polite let me explain. Robbie doesnt stand for cussing no more since he broke up with Little Lamb. Last time I cussed normal Robbie grabbed my shirt and said no little man like me oughta run his mouth like that cuz it dont show respect for your elders or even your dang self, and I said well what am I supposed to say then, and he said how is he supposed to know, so I just took the titles of interesting programs I saw on Moms TV.
Robbie bails out on his chins. Dudes old as hell, about thirty is what Dag says, and after he mops up his old man sweat and makes sure his heart didnt explode, he points at me and Dag and Midget like hes Tom Cruise and we are the Mission Impossibles. He says he dont trust my ass at Walgreen, not with his money he dont, so he wants the girlies to come with. Thats humorous cuz Dags ten times the klepto I am. Normally Id a been like, yo, how about you roll your own obese ass to Walgreen? Except fat boy said his money. Fat ass is handing over his own money to buy candy. Thats some unprecedented sharkweek right there.
Also I guess I should be honest and tell you Ive got pinkeye for the third time this year so it could be Robbie doesnt want to hand me the money direct from his hand and if thats the case I cant really blame him. Pinkeyes contagious as hell.
Course Dag gets dubious like she does and asks how come hes sending three kids? Dang, girl, I know the answer to that! Walgreen caught Robbie lifting a Gillette Mach 5 three months back and now they keep a video cam snap of Robbie taped on the register. But Dag is Dag and she goes on all opinionated about how Robbie doesnt have any excuse to stay home cuz its not like hes wheelchair fat. Ha! Robbie gives her a look like hes King Théoden from Two Towers and he sits his royal butt down on his busted ass easy chair that has a Dominos box to cushion his sore back. Fat boys backs always paining him. Then he lays his whole plan out.
I end up super glad Dag asked cuz what Robbie says is straight up nuts.
Basically Robbie explains how hes gonna put all kinds a hard ass drugs into normal ass candies and pass that stuff out to trick or treaters tonight. See, this is why I hang out with this fat fool. Robbies dull as a park bench most days but every once in a while, blam, he does something crazy nobody ever ever saw coming. Like the time he bought himself two tarantulas, they were like tarantula brother and sister I guess, and he let them crawl their hairy asses all around the crib. Course then fat boy couldnt get neither one from under the couch and suddenly got all super scared of tarantulas and all a us were hopping on top the furniture and screaming, and when Robbie finally scooted them in a bucket he went straight out back and filled that bucket with dirt and buried that bucket and since then no ones ever mentioned nothing about any tarantulas.
This candy plan is double or triple times more messed up than anything Robbies ever planned. Dag acts like she already knows about it. She tells Robbie to tell me how come hes gonna do it, and Robbie is like them assheads deserve it, and Dag says to explain how children can be assheads if their brains arent grown, and Robbie says hes talking about their asshead parents. Dag looks at me and Midge and nods wise cuz like And we all feel that truth. Grown up adults have been doing Robbie wrong since forever and I guess they probably are due for revenge.
Sounds like a lot of work though so Im like nah lets chill and wait for Ellen to come on cuz that dyke is amusing as hell. Its eight in the dang morning, right? So I put my feet up on the TV and thats when sharkweek gets real. Robbie shakes like hes having the DTs and his eyes go all watery and when it comes to Robbie watery eyes dont indicate being sad, it indicates total ninja rage. Fat boys so large, if he lays into you, he can break a bone. So I take my feet down and I go Its not like Im shook for real or nothing but dang. I dont need another broke toe. Broke toes take forever to heal and they make you run like a bitch.
Midgets so excited about getting candies she might tinkle her drawers. Little sister is psycho for sugar. Course theres no way youd know that cuz Midget doesnt talk, but shes been my foster sister over a year now so Ive had plenty a time to do scientific observation. Sister eats sugar straight outta the dang packet. One time ants were in the sugar and Midget didnt give a mightyduck! Crazy little ho went crazy on that stuff. When she finished there was one little black ant dude fighting to crawl out her mouth. Serious, yo, I was rooting for that little guy but nope. He got slurped.
Copyright © 2019 by Daniel Kraus.